I guess the saying is true...

Third time's a charm!!!

We found out on June 22nd that our third and final IUI was successful! I am pregnant!!! We are expecting our little miracle around March 2nd, 2013.

Here's a recap of the past few months:

June 9th -- IUI #3. We had one follicle and 9 million sperm.
June 22nd -- Positive home pregnancy test, HCG level was 51.
June 25th -- HCG level at 180 (doubling time < 48 hours).
June 27th -- HCG at 373 (doubling time < 48 hours).
July 12th -- First ultrasound at 6w5d saw one embryo with a heartbeat <3. The crown-to-rump measurement was 0.68 cm (6w4d).
July 23rd -- Second ultrasound at 8w2d. Good heartbeat and growth measuring at 8w4d. Officially graduated from the RE to my OB!
July 23rd --  Involved in a car accident on the way home from the RE! Had another ultrasound that evening at the ER and baby had a heart rate of 176.
July 25th -- Follow-up appointment with RE post-accident. Had a fourth ultrasound that revealed everything still looked good.
July 30th -- First appointment with OB at 9w2d. Had fifth ultrasound, baby was measuring 2.4 cm (9w0d) and had a heart rate of 175. See picture above of our little lucky charm!
August 27th -- Second appointment with OB at 13w2d. Heard baby's heartbeat on doppler with a heart rate of 170. I've gained 3 pounds. First trimester is done!!!

We decided not to share the news on the blog or tell anyone outside of close family until we made it out of the first trimester, so we apologize for the long hiatus. We just shared the following announcement on facebook:

After nearly two years and several rounds of fertility treatments, we are THRILLED to share that we are expecting our little miracle around March 2, 2013! We thank all of you who have kept us in your prayers and supported us through this time. We will never forget the struggle we endured to get here nor will we forget the many couples that continue to struggle with infertility.

It's been an exciting and nerve-wracking last few months, but we are finally breathing a bit easier after reaching the second trimester milestone! We please ask for your prayers for a smooth pregnancy and a healthy baby!

What's another $1,000?

Well, we decided to give IUI one more try. We initially planned on doing three cycles, so we want to follow through. The doctor also recommended trying it three times before pursuing more aggressive steps. So, here we are.

Same protocol as last time -- Clomid (only 50mg this time since the 100mg had some severe side effects), plus a HCG trigger shot, and then the IUI. I have my mid-cycle monitoring appointment on Thursday with the IUI to follow a few days later. 

I remember wondering before we started our first IUI how I would handle it if/when we reached our third and final attempt. I thought I would be freaking out under all the pressure, but I honestly don't feel anything but readiness to move on. I've known all along our chances for success with IUI were slim, so I feel like this treatment cycle is just buying us time (literally!) and allowing us to be ready candidates for IVF. 

A novel novel

Thank you, Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, for doing the impossible -- taking my mind off of infertility! ;) Not my usual literary genre, ahem, but any book that is so engrossing it provides a respite from infertility is welcomed. Any other book recommendations???

Moving Forward?

-Posted by Nick

It's been a while since I've posted an update regarding our struggle.  We've done a lot--not the least of which was our trip to Seattle.  April and I thought we would attempt a moratorium on infertility talk, at least with each other.  In retrospect, this has done more harm than good.  Since I am April's only outlet, not talking about this very prevalent issue has left her bottling up her feelings and frustrations.  This in turn affected her mood as well as her patience with me at times.  Despite the good times we had meeting with friends and sightseeing, the trip itself would probably have been a little more successful if we had been a little less eager to run away from a problem that can't be escaped.

The other thing that we didn't tell anyone is that April ovulated on or before the time of said vacation.  Could it be?  Could God have timed it well for us that we would have a relaxing vacation enough to be able to conceive?  The thought was so enticing, and the fact that the weekend prior to departure was Mother's Day was all too appropriate!

This brings us to today: April's period started.  Cycle Day one on the 21st cycle.  April and I are both crushed.  receiving this news monthly after so many disappointing cycles is like taking a dagger to the gut, leaving it there, then twisting and turning it and allowing it to mangle your insides on a monthly basis so that the body (or in this case, your mental and emotional stability) cannot heal .  A death, a break up, lay off, these are all devastating things in their own right, but they are all situations where one can dust themselves off over time and move on with their life while they leave the instigating event in the past as they move forward on a road to recovery. There's no moving on with the cyclical cruelty of infertility--but that won't stop us from trying.

April and I have spent many hours discussing what "moving on" would look like.  IVF? Adoption?  These are legitimate options in their own right, but they are both $25,000 and $30,000+ respectively (Please reference April's prior post: The Cost of Infertility).  IVF has a high cost with 50/50 odds of conception, but a quick turn around time if the results of the procedure are in our favor.  Adoption also has a high cost and a lot of administrative hoops to jump through, but it comes with a guarantee that someday, if you're willing to wait, you will get a child to call your own.   IVF is terrifying.  Adoption has an indefinite wait in the midst of cyclical punishment.  This has been--and will be--a difficult decision since each passing cycle pours both April's and my state of mind and heart further into disarray, disbelief, and depression.  My positivity is waning under the strain.

As a means of attempting to take our situation and use it for good (as cliche as that sounds), I have set the ball rolling to research, plan, and found an infertility support group in the Shenandoah Valley.  The closest support group within a 100 miles is in Charlottesville, VA--A 45 minute drive from Staunton and 1 hr+ from Harrisonburg.  There is a need in the valley for local support for such a devastating condition; and the need is no greater than it is at our home.

Don't Ignore Infertility: Fact vs. Myth

There are so many common misconceptions about infertility, which breed ignorance, judgment, and insensitivity. To debunk some of these myths, I am sharing the following from Resolve's Myths and Facts About Infertility.

Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.
Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.

Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.
Fact: More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. One in eight couples of reproductive age, with some studies suggesting it may be as many as one in six couples, are diagnosed with this disease.

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.
Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!
Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First, it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not a happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!
Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. However, most people explore medical treatment for infertility prior to considering adoption. In addition, traditional adoption options have changed, and adoption can be more costly and time-consuming than expected.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!
Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!
Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.
Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

Don't Ignore Infertility: The Costs of Infertility

As if the emotional and physical costs of infertility aren't enough to handle, the financial implications are huge. Unless you live in one of the 15 states that mandate infertility coverage, most insurance plans do not cover any infertility treatments or medications. Please watch the video below to learn more about just how costly our options are.



We have paid close to $5,000 already for our labwork, ultrasounds, one surgery, medications, and two IUIs. We are currently faced with saving nearly $24,000 for a shared-risk IVF refund program, and this program fee does not even include the medications which cost an additional $3,000-$5,000 per round. We've got a long way to go to reach our goal!!!

Don't Ignore Infertility: Infertility Etiquette

Although we just publicly announced our infertility diagnosis on facebook, we've been pretty open about it with our close family and friends and with anyone else if it's come up in conversation. Most people have been genuinely supportive. Despite their good intentions, however, some responses are unknowingly insensitive and hurtful. Click here for a must-read of the dos and don'ts of infertility etiquette.

And for some comic relief, here's a video on $h!t said to those dealing with infertility:

Don't Ignore Infertility: National Infertility Awareness Week

"This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility is a heart-wrenching, relationship-testing, faith-questioning, life altering experience. Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age, so chances are you have a friend or family member who has, is, or will have to deal with infertility. For many this is a silent journey, but no one should ever have to face this alone. Show your support this week and keep in mind those individuals who deal with the emotional and financial struggle of infertility every day."

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, we officially "came out" of the IF closet on facebook. We hope to share information that will increase awareness, education, and sensitivity on the topic. More posts to come later!

Seattle Bound!

We're going on a much-needed vacation to Seattle in May! We can't wait! We've instituted a moratorium on all talk related to infertility during the trip. We hope this vacation will help us forget about our current reality and refocus on ourselves and our marriage.

Inspirational Wednesday

For today's post, I am sharing my inspirational playlist that helps me get through the tough days. It's definitely an eclectic mix. Some songs give me a good cry, others remind me of God's faithfulness, and some just make me feel good!

Blessings by Laura Story ("Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops/what if Your healing comes through tears/what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near/and what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise")

Stronger by Kelly Clarkson ("What doesn't kill you makes you stronger/stand a little taller")

Before the Morning by Josh Wilson ("Would dare you, would you dare, to believe/that you still have a reason to sing/'cause the pain you've been feeling/can't compare to the joy that's coming/so hold on, you got to wait for the light/press on, just fight the good fight/because the pain you've been feeling/it's just the dark before the morning")

In the Middle by Jimmy Eat World ("It just takes some time/little girl you're in the middle of the ride/everything, everything will be just fine/ everything, everything will be alright")

He Holds Everything by Point of Grace ("Oh but every single sparrow flying/and every broken soul that's crying/He can see, yeah you're in His reach/if He can hold an ocean back with one little shore/then what's all this worry and doubting for/Oh I believe/He holds everything")

Dog Days are Over by Florence and the Machine ("The dog days are over/the dog days are done/the horses are coming/so you better run")

Big Girls Don't Cry by the Jersey Boys ("Big girls don't cry/they don't cry")

So Hard by the Dixie Chicks ("It felt like a given/something a woman’s born to do/a natural ambition/to see a reflection of me and you/it's so hard when it doesn't come easy")

Smile – Harry Connick Jr (“Smile though your heart is aching/smile even though it’s breaking/when there are clouds in the sky/you’ll get by/if you smile through your fear and sorrow/smile and maybe tomorrow/you’ll see the sun come shining through/for you”)

Breathe by Anna Nalick ("Cause you can't jump the track/we're like cars on a cable/and life's like an hourglass/glued to the table/no one can find the rewind button, girl/so cradle your head in your hands/and breathe... just breathe/oh breathe, just breathe")

Don't Stop Believin' by Journey ("Don't stop believin'/hold on to the feeling")

Livin' on a Prayer by Bon Jovi ("Whoa, we're half way there/whoa, livin' on a prayer/take my hand and I'll make it I swear/whoa, livin' on a prayer")

You Lead by Jamie Grace ("You lead, I'll follow/Your hands hold my tomorrow/Your grip, Your grace/You know the way, You guide me tenderly/when You lead, I'll follow/just light the way and I'll go cause/I know what you got for me is more than I can see/so lead me on, on, on and on")

Any others I should add?!?!

Inspirational Wednesday

IUI #2 = BFN

Big Fat Negative, that is. :(

We will be taking the next two months off as we will be out of town too much to schedule another treatment cycle. We also need to think through our options and do some soul searching. We aren't sure if we are even going to do another IUI, but if we do, it will likely be in June.

IUI #2 Update

We have virtually no hope of success this month with IUI #2.

When I went in for my mid-cycle ultrasound on Monday, I had only one mature follicle, and based on its size, it likely contained an "overmature" egg. Nonetheless, I was given the trigger shot, and we went in the next day for the IUI. We received additional bad news prior to the insemination that Nick's sperm count was below the recommended clinical threshold.

Initially, we wanted to do three rounds of IUIs before considering our other options. Given our poor response this cycle, we are not sure if we even want to continue with another IUI as it feels like we are just wasting $1,000 in return for such depressing odds.

It's been a really difficult week, and it's been hard to accept that IVF (in vitro fertilization) is becoming more and more of a reality for us if we ever want to have our own biological child(ren).

An Answered Prayer

So this past IUI did not go as planned (more on that later).

After a very trying day yesterday, this morning I sat at the computer, dressed for work, emotionally drained from the day before, and completely unfulfilled from the previous night's rest. Our numbers for this latest IUI, mine especially, were depressing. So much so, that this morning I sat frozen in front of my computer, overwhelmed with anguish--not for my sake, but for April's. I prayed, weeping:

"Lord, please. Please give April something to hold on to today. We are both at our wit's end. We need an answered prayer. We need you to speak to us and provide us with the strength to carry on as we wait on you. I no longer have strength to have faith for both April and myself. I cannot be a strong husband without your reassurance. Please, offer April the hope that I know exists in your word and that I lack the ability to provide. Please. Please give us something to hold on to. Amen."

As I finished, I wiped the rest of the tears from my face and proceeded with my morning routine of emails and cereal--attempting to let go, and let God.

Tonight, I read April's "Inspirational Wednesday" post. Who says prayers are never answered?

Inspirational Wednesday

I heard this fitting devotional about faith in times of trial on my way to work this morning. It is quite apropos!

Inspirational Wednesday

Source: weheartit.com via Yayis on Pinterest

Posted by Nick

Let's be clear: I went to a urologist because I have a minor case of male factor infertility (MFI). What does that mean? It means my sailors are not that of the U.S. Navy, if you will, but rather that of Australia. But what few people understand is that it's not just quantity, it's quality as well.

When getting a sperm analysis done, doctors usually look for count, yes, but also how fast they swim, and their shape. So in layman's terms: do you have a U.S. Navy Seal or Gomer Pyle?

After taking some blood to check hormone levels and making sure I didn't have any physical abnormalities, I discussed with him what exactly the field of urology has to offer as far as suggestions to improve my quantity and/or quality.

"Well, supposing your blood tests come back fine, really there's not much else. These specimens are completely random from one sample to the next." He said, shrugging his shoulders.

Now this is where I have an issue with our medicine for the past several decades; it is well documented that cases of infertility are 50% the guy's fault. Yet, the social norm has long-standing been that it's got to be woman's fault. It is my deduction that the male-dominated medical field has had a head start on researching women's infertility issues simply because of male chauvinism. Case in point: Upon asking the urologist about what habits I should have between points in the month where April and I try to conceive, he said, "I don't know. Nothing in the field has researched that. We really have no control over your quantity or quality."

So let me get this straight: we have the research and technology to place a woman into menopause, then make her ovulate, extract several eggs, fertilize them in a lab, then place them back into the uterus and pump more hormones into her body to make it believe it's prego to try to assure the egg implants... but we don't have the means or the research to give my balls a pep talk?

So... we're on to IUI number two, and it boils down to this: Good news is my specimen is completely random from sample to sample and that can affect chances of pregnancy. The bad news is... my specimen is completely random from sample to sample and that can affect chances of pregnancy. Awesome.

IUI #2 in progress

Well, our break cycle this past month obviously didn't work, so we are moving on to IUI#2. I went in last Friday for a baseline ultrasound to be cleared for starting treatment again. I start taking Clomid tonight through Friday (cycle days 5-9). I responded well to the 50mg last time, but the doctor suggested increasing the dosage to 100mg to be more aggressive. I didn't have too many side effects before, but now that I am on a double dose, I am worried about what I have to look forward to this cycle!  :-/

I have an appointment next Monday for my mid-cycle ultrasound to check my progress. We are hoping to have 3-4 follicles this time to give the sperm as many targets as possible. I am assuming I will trigger either that night or the following night with the IUI next Wednesday or Thursday morning.

Nick has an appointment tomorrow with a urologist. We are hoping he will provide some answers!

Wait, I'm not alone!

I was just lamenting a few blog entries ago how I have no friends currently going through infertility testing and treatments. I guess I spoke too soon!

I ran into a friend this week, and I mentioned in passing that we were saving for some big expenses. When he probed further, I felt compelled to say that we are dealing with infertility and saving for expensive treatments. He then admitted that he and his wife were going through the same thing! This led to a 30-minute conversation about our history and diagnoses, failed treatments, and future plans. We are about at the same point in treatments and go to the same (one and only) fertility clinic in the area.

I was truly sorry to hear that this couple is also going through a difficult struggle with infertility. No one deserves this, and it always seems to happen to the couples who would make the best parents.  At the same time, I feel relieved to finally know someone who can really understand and sympathize with what I am going through. Nick now also has someone to talk with about the male's perspective of infertility.

I am looking forward to getting together with them soon, and I hope that we can all be each other's support system through this process.

Inspirational Wednesday

I hope this is true!!!

I feel so alone

I feel so alone in my struggles with infertility. I literally have NO friends going through a similar or same situation. I do know some people who struggled to conceive, but now they are on the other side with a child (or children) of their own.

I don't fit in with any groups. At work, all of my female colleagues are either not married or married with families. I don't really fit in with either clique, and I feel left out.

In our neighborhood, there is a group of women who get together occasionally. The women are all different ages and at different stages in life, but I am the only one without children. When we get together, the conversation is always about their kids, schools, little league, etc., and I have nothing to contribute.

I do have a few married friends who do not have children yet, but now that they are trying to conceive, I feel like they avoid me. I would truly be happy for them if they were to get pregnant without any difficulties, but I can imagine how they are uncomfortable telling me about their excitement.

I know wanting to fit in is not a good reason to have a child, and it's certainly not my only reason for wanting a family. I think I have always struggled to feel like I belong, so infertility is just exacerbating an already existing insecurity.

Inspirational Wednesday

This video clip isn't inspirational per se, but it definitely makes me smile. And, I love that it reminds me of our dachshund, Heinz. Enjoy!

The Positives

When we first started trying to have a baby, I will admit that I wasn't quite ready to make all of the lifestyle changes that would be necessary to be pregnant and then a parent. I don't know how much longer we will have to wait to be a family of three, so to help me enjoy the present, I am trying to focus on all of the positive aspects of life before pregnancy and children. I have listed ten positives of my child-free life right now, in no particular order:

1. I can eat or drink whatever I want. Bring on the Starbucks, sushi, and wine!
2. I have 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep throughout the night.  I even get to sleep in on the weekends.
3. I can spend as long as I need to get ready for work in the morning. My clothes are ironed, my hair is styled, I have a full face of makeup, and I can sit down to enjoy breakfast.
4. I have ME time whenever I wish.  I can meet up with friends, go shopping, take a bubble bath, read a book, go to the gym, or work on a project or hobby.
5. My hubby and I can have intimate time whenever, wherever!
6. I still have a pre-baby body. I look and feel good in my itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikini.
7. I have a greater selection of stylish clothes and shoes than what's available in maternity wear.
8. Nick and I have date nights regularly. We have deep conversation, lots of laughs, and time to really strengthen our marriage.
9. We don’t have to pay for daycare, diapers, baby food, and other child care expenses, so we have more “fun” money to budget for going out to eat, shopping, and taking vacations.
10. Travel is much easier.  We don’t have to lug around multiple bags, a stroller, carseat, etc.

I would willingly compromise on these in a heartbeat for our child.

Inspirational Wednesday

"Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

"Even the word impossible says i m possible."

Round one...

Posted by Nick

Anger. Frustration. Contempt. These are all emotions that April and I are dealing with after our first round of IUI--and first attempt of conception after her surgery--failed. April's tests all came back fine and my numbers were above necessary cutoff for the procedure to work. So as more issues are fixed, as more tests come back positive, the closer our issue moves toward the category of "unexplained infertility"--a club we were happy not to be a part of at the start.

As April broke down with me on the phone during her commute home, (She had been holding all of these emotions and feelings in all day for the sake of professionalism) we began to brainstorm why this is so devastating and why each passing month becomes more difficult to cope. I suggested that if we figure out what the driving force to have children is, perhaps we can address it with something we can control while we wait on God (who ultimately has control over our conception plans).

It seems that our desire--in part--is attributed to the monotony of life. We're bored. We're ready to have the change, responsibility, and unpredictability associated with children. Since we obviously can't control our conception, we have started brainstorming as to what we can do to break things up a bit.

We're still working on the list, but tonight's trip to a micro-brewery was definitely a step in the right direction!

IUI #1 was a...

Bust. I can't say I'm surprised, but of course we're frustrated and disappointed.

I think I am especially upset with this failed cycle because it was the first cycle after my surgery and the first treatment cycle. Everything went according to plan -- I responded well to the drugs, Nick's numbers were good -- yet even with all of this "help" we still did not conceive. IF sucks.

I guess we'll take some time to cope with this news, again, and then we'll pick ourselves back up and keep going. We've decided we're only going to do IUIs every other cycle for emotional, financial, and logistical reasons, so this next cycle we will be on a break (i.e., a natural cycle). We'll start IUI #2 with my next cycle in about a month's time.

We'll be visiting several wineries and breweries this weekend to numb our sorrows.

Inspirational Wednesday

I love the lyrics of this song! The meaning is very relevant to the struggles of infertility. Click below for the YouTube video.

Worth the Wait -- by 33 Miles

Inspirational Wednesday

I have decided I will dedicate a post each Wednesday to a verse, quote, poem, lyric, or anything else that I find to be inspirational in this time of difficulty.

I will start with my favorite Bible verse:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
     Jeremiah 29:11

IUI #1

IUI #1 was last Friday, and it was physically probably the easiest part of this whole process. Emotionally, however, it was quite tolling. My emotions oscillated among: 

     Hopefulness: I just underwent controlled superovulation combined with 15 million motile
     sperm deposited in my uterus. This could be IT!!!

     Worry: I have doubts that the timing of the IUI was ideal.

     Pessimism: We still only have a 10% chance of success this cycle.

     Frustration: I can't believe we have to do this to potentially have a baby.

     Excitement: If we conceived this cycle, we would be expecting our little pumpkin in late
     October!

I blame the hormones.

Trigger Done!

After my mid-cycle appointment on Tuesday, I was instructed to administer the trigger shot on Wednesday evening before bed. The preparation of the injection went well up until we couldn't get the remaining air bubbles out of the syringe. At this point it was 9:30pm, so I had a bit of a freak out over what to do! We reluctantly but decidedly called upon one (of many) of our neighbors who is a doctor. Nick, practically in his pjs, went over to his house for assistance. The doctor was very understanding and helpful, and we are thankful for such great neighbors!

After Nick returned, it was my turn to give myself the injection in my abdomen. Well, that didn't go as planned! First, my hand was shaking so badly it took multiple attempts to actually do the self injection. Once the needle was in (and I breathed a sigh of relief), there was too much resistance for me to be able to push down on the syringe with one finger. While I held the needle steady, Nick actually had to slowly administer the medication.

Nick pretty much saved the day (well, night)! He was initially just going to supervise and provide moral support, but he ended up playing a much more active role. As much as this whole process sucks, we were able to bond over it and laugh about it. There's no one else I'd rather go through this with (and that's another blog post)! :)

IUI #1 Scheduled

I had my mid-cycle ultrasound yesterday, and I responded well to the low dose of meds! I had one mature follicle and another follicle that the doctor said should be ready by today. I trigger tonight before bedtime, and we go in first thing Friday morning for the IUI.

I am a little nervous to do the trigger shot tonight...ok, very nervous! I actually have to mix the liquid from one vial with the powder in another vial before withdrawing it into the syringe. I did receive injects training from the nurse at my last appointment, and it was a little overwhelming because everything has to be done in an exact manner. I think I am more worried about the preparation than I am for the actual injection! I have to keep reminding myself that I am very smart and capable, and that this isn't rocket science. :)

After Friday's procedure, we will be in the long 2-week wait. I have plenty of ideas for blog entries to keep me busy!

Dr. Google to the Rescue?

-Posted by Nick

As you may have read below, we now have a plan. A plan that involves timing, last minute call-out from work, and a pill that will likely turn my wife into a hot flashing, emotional lunatic. And yes, we're paying for this.

We try not to concentrate on the price tag as much as the reason why we--and millions of other Americans--do this: we want a child that we can call our own. In so doing, we grope to control an outcome in a field that appears to be more theory and artistry than fact. Sure, we know basics on how the reproductive system works, but we can't control when sperm will actually find an egg let alone fertilize it. Sure, we have IVF available to those who can afford it, but even that's not a guarantee; the egg that was fertilized in the lab still has to implant in the uterus of the female, and we can't control that either.

So what do we do? Enter Dr. Google. Yes, that seemingly all-knowing wizard of the internet. April consults Dr. Google on a semi-regular basis. "I need to be my own advocate," she says--which I totally understand. The funny thing is, as we grasp for control and consult Dr. Google, we find ourselves subscribing to any crack-pot theory anyone has to offer--anything that promises control! Don't consume dairy. Avoid Caffeine. Eat only warm foods. Yet, they also say don't stress and relax. All fertility treatment you'd expect to find on catch-22.com.

Through several conversations commiserating over the frustrations of infertility and the lack of control it offers, April and I have resigned ourselves to the fact that, because the doctor's all speak in a language confound with statistics and chances, we should just live our lives and strive to leave God in control of our family planning destiny. Though that is its own ongoing struggle.

Treatment Plan in Progress!

After countless doctor's appointments, blood work, lab work, ultrasounds, one surgery, and nearly $1000 later we have our infertility diagnoses: I had a uterine abnormality (a benign polyp) and Nick has mild male factor infertility. I had surgery at the beginning of this month to remove the polyp, and after a two week recovery we are on to the next step.

The doctor has recommended medicated IUI (intrauterine insemination) as our initial treatment plan. I actually start taking Clomid, an ovulation stimulating drug, tonight. I then go in next week for mid-cycle monitoring, which consists of an ultrasound and bloodwork, to see how my ovaries are responding to the medication. If all is going well, I have to give myself an injection (eek!) to trigger ovulation, and then we both go in 36 hours later for the insemination.

Our chances of success each cycle are still less than desirable -- a mere 10%. But we figure if our odds with all of this "assistance" are that low, then our natural chance of conceiving is probably like 1-5% each month. I am trying to be guardedly optimistic, so I am focusing on the fact that we are at least doubling our chances! It's still a high risk gamble (and I am not a gambler) at about $1000 a cycle on this particular protocol.

We are hoping, praying, crossing our fingers and toes, and wishing into wishing wells that this works. We will probably only do about three IUI cycles as success is unlikely to occur after three failed attempts. I can't even let myself think about getting to that point yet.

Over the next few days, I get to look forward to all of the side effects from Clomid: hot flashes, moodswings, dizziness, headaches, and visual disturbances! I feel really sorry for Nick and my students... :)

When a Haircut Can be Stressful

I have a haircut this evening, which I usually look forward to because it's pampering and relaxing. Tonight, however, will not be so enjoyable with my stylist's pregnant belly and incessant baby talk.

It was at my last appointment that I found out my stylist was pregnant. That was about seven weeks ago -- right before Christmas during a low point in my struggles. I literally had to fight back the tears when she told me the news, and I was so thankful to have the hot towel treatment over my face at that time!

I am not some horrible person that isn't truly happy that another woman is pregnant and does not have to go through what I am going through. She will actually be a great mom. It's just that she just got married in July and then got pregnant in August! She went on and on telling me about how she waited until she was a week late because she just couldn't believe she could have gotten pregnant so quickly and easily! Grr.

Obviously, she doesn't know my personal story or she would have certainly been more sensitive. But how do I handle situations like these without seeming rude or inconsiderate?

Wish me luck tonight!

Thank You, Kardashians!

I would like to preface this post by saying that I do not religiously watch the Kardashians, but on a Sunday evening, not much else is on TV.  There was a Kourtney and Kim marathon on last night, so I watched a few episodes while trying to procrastinate on the start of another work week.

It must have been because I was watching the show prior to bed, but I woke up this morning dreaming about the Kardashians! It might sound crazy that I am so excited, but this is literally the first dream I have remembered in a long time that wasn't about babies or not being able to have babies. I actually woke up without any thoughts about infertility, and I had a great day today.

Thankfully, the episodes I watched did not announce that Kourtney Kardashian is now pregnant with baby #2. If you've ever seen the show, you will know that she and her boyfriend have a very dysfunctional relationship. It doesn't seem fair that they can have children while plenty of couples in loving, stable relationships struggle to conceive. That being said, I would never trade my relationship with Nick for hers in exchange for a baby!!!

Surgery Update

I had my operative hysteroscopy this week, and the surgery went as well as to be expected! The doctor was able to successfully remove the uterine abnormality, and the rest of the uterine cavity looked perfect. So far, the recovery hasn't been too bad either, just some minor side effects that may linger for the next couple of weeks.

I am usually extremely anxious before medical procedures, so I really tried to focus on deep breathing and positive intentions (including scripture and prayer) the morning of the surgery. It must have worked, along with all of your thoughts and prayers, because not only was my blood pressure normal the entire time but I actually felt a sense of peace going into the surgery. I also felt reassured by how competent and compassionate the doctor, anesthesiologist, and nurses all were. 

I also remember feeling very optimistic the day of the surgery. Prior to taking me back to the operating room, the doctor asked a simple, "Are you ready?!" to which I replied, "I am ready to be one step closer to having a baby!" I have struggled a lot in the past month with rationalizing and accepting all we have to do and pay for to be able to have a baby which most couples do for free without any intervention at all. I am still reconciling some of these feelings, but I have been amazed at how much I am willing to go through for our child who has not yet even been conceived. I finally reached the point where I was no longer upset about having to go through with the surgery but rather excited and hopeful to take this one big step closer to having a baby.

The Not So Happy Holidays

This past holiday season was especially difficult, and it was nearly impossible for me to get into the holiday spirit -- despite the carols, libations, or parties! It was hard to see all of the pictures my friends posted on facebook of their children partaking in Christmas festivities or the pictures of young, happy families on the Christmas cards we received in the mail. It was an overflow of reminders of what we do not have!

I really thought 2010 would have been our last Christmas as just the two of us or that we would at least have had a baby on the way in 2011. I remember last Christmas was the first time I really felt a longing to have a family of our own and a sense of emptiness as we celebrated the holiday with just ourselves. The festivities and traditions of the holidays just didn't seem to take on the same meaning.

In addition to the holidays, this past month was also frustrating because it did not even offer the hope of a surprise pregnancy as we were "on hold" until after my surgery in January. In a way, this felt like a step backwards; but at the same time, it was a welcomed relief from the ups and downs of another month of trying to conceive.

I am very thankful that this year in particular we were able to get out of town and spend Christmas with family. It was a much-needed distraction from our current troubles, and we had a great time visiting with family and friends. It was also a nice reminder that family encompasses more than just a husband, wife, and child(ren).