-Posted by Nick
This Christmas season has been particularly difficult. Outside of our blown expectation that we would be expecting this Christmas (or shortly thereafter), it seems that the themes alone of the normally joyous holiday are particularly painful.
Just think about it. The holiday is centered around a virgin who conceives. Guys, it's at this point we attempt to connect the dots that our women readers have already instinctively done. Let me spell it out: a woman, who didn't even HAVE sex, gets pregnant while we have sex for a year and nothing happens! WTF? Now this is, of course, a completely emotional response, but it can hopefully communicate what couples battle each holiday season. But, the stabbing themes don't stop there.
The whole comment people make stating, "God gifted me this child." First, there's the idea that something was gifted to someone else insinuating they were somehow more worthy to receive said gift than others who were not. Combine this idea of "baby as gift" with the massive retail therapy that ensues afterward to self-sooth, multiplied by the number of holiday sales... well, you can do the math.
All in all, the holidays are tough when struggling with infertility. The depression and bitterness are consuming. It's exceptionally difficult to lean on God's timing and just trust Him. These emotions dampen the holiday spirit to a point where it feels like Christmas in July; the tree is up, the lights are shining, the carols are praising Christ's birth, but something inside you refuses to light up because the constant reminder of our Savior's birth is a constant reminder that you have wait on Him before you can have a child of your own. From conception "the old fashion way" to waiting for an IVF egg to implant in the uterus, it doesn't make the waiting any easier.
What has made the waiting a little easier has been supportive family and friends this holiday season. April and I just returned from a booked, yet relaxing time with my family in Phoenix, Az. This much needed time with family and the occasional lunch with good friends, helped us realize that we are not alone in this struggle--as much as it may feel that way. Thank you for the reminder!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Surgery is Scheduled
My operative hysteroscopy is scheduled for January 4th at 12:00pm. The pre-op appointment is January 3rd and the follow-up is on January 6th. That will be a lot of two-hour roundtrips over the mountain for one week!
I am nervous about the surgery but glad we are moving forward more quickly than anticipated! And, thankfully, I won't be missing work since classes don't resume until the following week.
Please keep me in your prayers for a successful surgery!
I am nervous about the surgery but glad we are moving forward more quickly than anticipated! And, thankfully, I won't be missing work since classes don't resume until the following week.
Please keep me in your prayers for a successful surgery!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
The Other Half
-Posted by Nick
For those who are reading who have dealt with infertility, understand that there are two perspectives: female and male. My wife, April, has graciously allowed me to provide the male perspective to compliment her updates, feelings, and concerns.
Much of the time, she and I agree regarding our frustrations with the situation, though my view--especially according to April--maybe slightly more rose-colored. Through much discussion, she has confessed to me that my optimism is a bit discouraging; she feels alone because the one person that is to relate with her most, seemingly isn't. I counter with understanding and try to explain my point of view, to which she in turn will also hear out. "Mainly," I told her, "it's because I have found that through our relationship, you look to me to be the emotional boulder. The one to say that everything will be alright." I continue to explain that I feel these frustrations too, I just find other means to vent them.
That said, the one thing that has been most difficult for me, has been watching my wife become increasingly affected by a negative pregnancy test with each passing month. Do you have any idea how hard it is to nurse a "straight A" student out of a depression when she finds she "flunks" a test each passing month?! Every time she cries a piece of me inside is crying with her. It takes a toll, but we move on. We look at it as a learning opportunity, and we move on.
As April and just posted, we learned about some issues that need to be addressed. We're learning to cope as a couple. I see this as a positive outcome because life simply sucks sometimes, and seeing things half-full--dare I say "rosy"--is more than a habit, it's a survival mechanism.
For those who are reading who have dealt with infertility, understand that there are two perspectives: female and male. My wife, April, has graciously allowed me to provide the male perspective to compliment her updates, feelings, and concerns.
Much of the time, she and I agree regarding our frustrations with the situation, though my view--especially according to April--maybe slightly more rose-colored. Through much discussion, she has confessed to me that my optimism is a bit discouraging; she feels alone because the one person that is to relate with her most, seemingly isn't. I counter with understanding and try to explain my point of view, to which she in turn will also hear out. "Mainly," I told her, "it's because I have found that through our relationship, you look to me to be the emotional boulder. The one to say that everything will be alright." I continue to explain that I feel these frustrations too, I just find other means to vent them.
That said, the one thing that has been most difficult for me, has been watching my wife become increasingly affected by a negative pregnancy test with each passing month. Do you have any idea how hard it is to nurse a "straight A" student out of a depression when she finds she "flunks" a test each passing month?! Every time she cries a piece of me inside is crying with her. It takes a toll, but we move on. We look at it as a learning opportunity, and we move on.
As April and just posted, we learned about some issues that need to be addressed. We're learning to cope as a couple. I see this as a positive outcome because life simply sucks sometimes, and seeing things half-full--dare I say "rosy"--is more than a habit, it's a survival mechanism.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Some Initial Results
Since the last post, we have received some initial results of our diagnostic workup for infertility.
The good news: I have plenty of good follicles on my ovaries, my hormone levels at the end of my cycle are within normal ranges, and my fallopian tubes are not blocked.
The bad news: I have a rare uterine abnormality (<5% occurrence) that will require surgery.
I sometimes cannot believe our odds, but I am thankful to have a possible explanation instead of falling into the "unexplained infertility" category. If this is the only issue we are dealing with, then we are fortunate that it could be a fairly simple fix. I will be having an operative hysteroscopy which, if successful, should resolve the underlying problem. I will likely be having this surgery at the end of January or early February. We will then have to wait another few months for my body to heal before we can move forward.
We have our follow-up appointment with the fertility specialist on January 6th to discuss the remaining bloodwork and lab results.
The good news: I have plenty of good follicles on my ovaries, my hormone levels at the end of my cycle are within normal ranges, and my fallopian tubes are not blocked.
The bad news: I have a rare uterine abnormality (<5% occurrence) that will require surgery.
I sometimes cannot believe our odds, but I am thankful to have a possible explanation instead of falling into the "unexplained infertility" category. If this is the only issue we are dealing with, then we are fortunate that it could be a fairly simple fix. I will be having an operative hysteroscopy which, if successful, should resolve the underlying problem. I will likely be having this surgery at the end of January or early February. We will then have to wait another few months for my body to heal before we can move forward.
We have our follow-up appointment with the fertility specialist on January 6th to discuss the remaining bloodwork and lab results.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
The Beginning
Since we were married during graduate school, my husband and I had no immediate plans to start a family. Actually, having an "oops" baby during the first few years of our marriage was one of our biggest fears! There were a lot of goals we needed to accomplish and dreams we wanted to fulfill before having a baby. We wanted to do things "right" and to be "ready."
We followed the plan. I graduated with my PhD and Nick earned his Master's degree. We relocated to a different state to begin our careers. We saved money, contributed to retirement, and took vacations (including Paris!). We bought a house and made it a home. We expanded our family by adopting a dog, a standard size dachshund named Heinz. We settled into our jobs and into a routine. We reflected on our first three years of marriage, and we decided we were finally ready to have a baby.
At this point, the plan went awry. We thought we would be one of the 50% of couples who conceive within the first 3 months. No. Then, maybe, one of the 75% of couples who conceive within 6 months. No. Then, surely, one of the 90% of healthy couples who conceive within one year of trying. No. Month after month passed, and we failed to meet these statistics.
Slowly,we began to come to the painful realization that this isn't going to be easy for us; that we might be dealing with infertility. We reluctantly but anxiously scheduled an appointment with a fertility specialist (reproductive endocrinologist). At the present time, we are currently undergoing diagnostic testing.
This blog is intended to keep our family and friends informed of our progress throughout this journey. We also hope it will bring awareness to the struggles of infertility while serving as a means of coping with the loneliness, anxiety, frustration, and depression that accompany a diagnosis. Lastly, we hope to chronicle our thoughts, feelings, and actions in what we hope is a story with a happy ending.
The name for this blog is our mantra: It's not IF but when. We are not going to let infertility (IF) ruin our hope and dream of someday having a family, how ever that may happen!
We followed the plan. I graduated with my PhD and Nick earned his Master's degree. We relocated to a different state to begin our careers. We saved money, contributed to retirement, and took vacations (including Paris!). We bought a house and made it a home. We expanded our family by adopting a dog, a standard size dachshund named Heinz. We settled into our jobs and into a routine. We reflected on our first three years of marriage, and we decided we were finally ready to have a baby.
At this point, the plan went awry. We thought we would be one of the 50% of couples who conceive within the first 3 months. No. Then, maybe, one of the 75% of couples who conceive within 6 months. No. Then, surely, one of the 90% of healthy couples who conceive within one year of trying. No. Month after month passed, and we failed to meet these statistics.
Slowly,we began to come to the painful realization that this isn't going to be easy for us; that we might be dealing with infertility. We reluctantly but anxiously scheduled an appointment with a fertility specialist (reproductive endocrinologist). At the present time, we are currently undergoing diagnostic testing.
This blog is intended to keep our family and friends informed of our progress throughout this journey. We also hope it will bring awareness to the struggles of infertility while serving as a means of coping with the loneliness, anxiety, frustration, and depression that accompany a diagnosis. Lastly, we hope to chronicle our thoughts, feelings, and actions in what we hope is a story with a happy ending.
The name for this blog is our mantra: It's not IF but when. We are not going to let infertility (IF) ruin our hope and dream of someday having a family, how ever that may happen!
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