Moving Forward?

-Posted by Nick

It's been a while since I've posted an update regarding our struggle.  We've done a lot--not the least of which was our trip to Seattle.  April and I thought we would attempt a moratorium on infertility talk, at least with each other.  In retrospect, this has done more harm than good.  Since I am April's only outlet, not talking about this very prevalent issue has left her bottling up her feelings and frustrations.  This in turn affected her mood as well as her patience with me at times.  Despite the good times we had meeting with friends and sightseeing, the trip itself would probably have been a little more successful if we had been a little less eager to run away from a problem that can't be escaped.

The other thing that we didn't tell anyone is that April ovulated on or before the time of said vacation.  Could it be?  Could God have timed it well for us that we would have a relaxing vacation enough to be able to conceive?  The thought was so enticing, and the fact that the weekend prior to departure was Mother's Day was all too appropriate!

This brings us to today: April's period started.  Cycle Day one on the 21st cycle.  April and I are both crushed.  receiving this news monthly after so many disappointing cycles is like taking a dagger to the gut, leaving it there, then twisting and turning it and allowing it to mangle your insides on a monthly basis so that the body (or in this case, your mental and emotional stability) cannot heal .  A death, a break up, lay off, these are all devastating things in their own right, but they are all situations where one can dust themselves off over time and move on with their life while they leave the instigating event in the past as they move forward on a road to recovery. There's no moving on with the cyclical cruelty of infertility--but that won't stop us from trying.

April and I have spent many hours discussing what "moving on" would look like.  IVF? Adoption?  These are legitimate options in their own right, but they are both $25,000 and $30,000+ respectively (Please reference April's prior post: The Cost of Infertility).  IVF has a high cost with 50/50 odds of conception, but a quick turn around time if the results of the procedure are in our favor.  Adoption also has a high cost and a lot of administrative hoops to jump through, but it comes with a guarantee that someday, if you're willing to wait, you will get a child to call your own.   IVF is terrifying.  Adoption has an indefinite wait in the midst of cyclical punishment.  This has been--and will be--a difficult decision since each passing cycle pours both April's and my state of mind and heart further into disarray, disbelief, and depression.  My positivity is waning under the strain.

As a means of attempting to take our situation and use it for good (as cliche as that sounds), I have set the ball rolling to research, plan, and found an infertility support group in the Shenandoah Valley.  The closest support group within a 100 miles is in Charlottesville, VA--A 45 minute drive from Staunton and 1 hr+ from Harrisonburg.  There is a need in the valley for local support for such a devastating condition; and the need is no greater than it is at our home.